This is about personality differences. It's about feeling like everything you've ever known has abandoned you and having society expect that you make life-changing decsions. It's about Eliot Spitzer. It's about character. It's about friendship. It's about something we can all relate to.
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"Your life is only as good as your character." --Anonymous
At some point while you're reading this, or after you've finished, I hope you ask yourself if you believe that. Does someone's character determine how good their life is.
By now you've heard all about the alleged sex scandal that has removed a New York governor from office and has aged another scorned woman in just a few days. There have been high price tags and witty headlines associated with this and many unanswered questions. These aren't questions any of us really have a right to. We're not owed the fulfillment of those answers. It's not our business. The minute Eliot Spitzer resigned, it became a private matter.
This isn't a new story anyway. We've heard similar talk in the past about Bill Clinton, Jim McGreevey and Larry Craig, to name a few. But there have been more. This one involves different characters. And the most sympathetic character in this story is Silda Spitzer.
To me, what sets her apart from other public women who were cheated on is that she truly looked stunned. Sure, Hillary Clinton and Dina Matos McGreevey looked embarrassed when the truth about their husbands came out. But I think it was just the humiliation that comes from the world learning a secret that you already knew. Like Silda, Hillary and Dina stood by their husbands during apologetic speeches. Something was so much different about Silda's face, though, than those of the other ladies.
She looked devastated--the devastation that ages you in hours, giving you new lines and scars that don't come from laughing or raising children. These wounds come from hours of crying and realizing how many lies were told when you assumed the best in someone. They come from facing the truth that the person you love the most has hurt you the worst. And what simply sucks (because there's no honesty in eloquence) is that even when you're hurt by someone so deeply, you still love them.
And so all of these questions are surfacing, as they did and continue to do with Hillary, about why a woman would stand by her husband after he cheated.
I used to think the answer was simple because I've always been so firm in that I would leave a man who first left me. That's just how I view it: If you want to go outside of this marriage for something, then be outside of it.
"No reason to stay is a good reason to go." Cap 'N Jazz
But I've learned that many other women don't think it's that simple. And maybe others just don't know. I'm not being clear here. I'm not sure you can know what that confusion feels like unless you've ever felt the bottom drop out of your life. It's your personal ground zero, and you're left to rebuild yourself. So maybe these women just don't know why they stay. Maybe they believed in their vows, in being one with someone, despite their husbands broken promises, and maybe they think to leave their men would be to leave themselves. Maybe they don't have a logical reason. Maybe staying is all they're capable of.
Maybe it's about forgiveness.
From what I know about affairs, Silda has one thing going for her. Based on the public reports, his straying seems to be of an emotionless nature. You don't spend a total of $15,000 on sex in hotel rooms, across state lines, with someone who doesn't know your name if you care about them. You can almost imagine him reasoning to his broken-hearted wife that it was just sex, and despite the biggest mistake of his life, his heart is still with her.
And if it was just about sex, then people always wonder if that meant their sex life was bad. It probably wasn't. The majority of men who cheat simply do it to have more or something different, not because what they're getting is bad or not frequent enough.
"What goes on behind closed doors is never as good or bad as people think." --Munch
You know who I feel for the most in this? His daughters. They're all teenagers. They're all at such a developmental age, emotionally. Think about yourself in junior high and high school. Think of your views on relationships and love. How might something like this have shaped or changed your beliefs? And if you're a girl, and you can't trust your dad, it's hard to trust any man.
I'm praying for them that they will heal. That they won't be jaded for too long. That they will believe in love. They they will know there's such a thing as a man who doesn't leave. That they will go on to be strong and trusting and not afraid of everything that feels good. And I hope they have good friends.
"Having respect and having friends is two different things sometimes."
People respected him. As he put Wall Street behind bars as attorney general and battled state republicans, he made enemies of the criminals he prosecuted. Throughout his war on ethics, he did manage to gain the respect of his peers. But now that he is portrayed as a hypocrite, he's likely lost that respect.
It would've been nice to have some friends.
The only people he can really count on now--his family--are the people he's hurt the worst.
Undoubtedly, because people will be people, there are folks out there taking pleasure in this. Maybe he prosecuted or persecuted them. Maybe he won an election they lost. Maybe he just has more personal and professional success. Now, things have changed. And they probably enjoy that.
But taking joy in someone else's pain is usually a bad move. It'll only come around to you.
Your life is as good as your character.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Behind Closed Doors
Posted by Candy at 3:52 PM
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6 comments:
The general consensus among the women I work with regarding Silda Spitzer was, "I can't believe she's standing there with him." There was sort of a disdain for the whole "stand by your man" thing.
For reasons that I can't seem to put in words, I don't agree with my coworkers. I don't know. I just think that if I was in that situation, that's where I'd be as well - standing next to the man I'd promised to be with in good times and in bad. I have this sympathetic sort of admiration for these wronged women. I think it takes more for them to stand there in front of all those cameras with their lives in pieces around them than it does for their husbands to admit their wrongdoing and step down from their jobs, and I don't think people really get that.
Could you PLEASE erase your voicemail or answer your phone?! I just wanted to say thanks for being there for me through everything. You're such a great listener and give me great advice everytime. It's already starting to work, so far so good.
becky
Is it wrong that I feel bad for the working gal, the way everyone has been at her door? It's as though the media is trying to fault her for the governor's fall from grace, as they've dubbed it. By the way, loved the message of you singing 'tainted gov' to 'tainted love' and have shared it with others. Are you proud of my capital letters?
MB,
As you know, I used to come down pretty hard on women who stayed in these situations. But what I learned from Silda Spitzer's face is that some women really have no clue, and those are the women I sympathize with.
I believed there are a lot of women out there who know and do nothing--which is true--but those women were all Silda Spitzer once. They were all heart-broken once. And I don't know, maybe some of the ones who know and stay (and I think you know who I'm thinking of), maybe they grow numb to it. Maybe they accept it because they think it's the best call for their children.
There's no question that it takes more strength and work to stay than leave. But here's hoping that none of us ever have to make that call.
Beck,
Anytime! Hey, you guys have been there for us enough times! I'm happy we could return the benevolence.
Werdna,
I AM proud of your capital letters, actually. But I don't really feel bad for the working gal. I don't think she asked for this, and who knows if she knew Client 9 was married. But I'm sure anyone in that line of work can reasonably assume that it's not out of the realm of possibility for married men to be on their payroll. So I think all of this is part of the occupational hazard. I also don't buy the part about how she is the victim. I don't think every prostitute ends up in that job because they were sexually abused in the past. However, I also don't deny that because I'm aware there are many sexually abused women who become sexually aggressive. But some prostitutes are in it just for the money. And some are in it for the sex. It's as though society forgets that women like sex, too. It's not just men. So maybe this girl was sexually abused in her past, who knows? Maybe she was a victim in her past, according to some of the reports floating around out there. But Silda Spitzer is a victim NOW. Her daughters are victims NOW. They are the ones with my sympathy.
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