Fifteen minutes of tame

Before I had children, I could spend a lot of time doing absolutely nothing to better our world. It wasn't unusual to find me on a futon, watching numerous episodes of "Sex and the City." Or going to IKEA and Target to buy colorful things I didn't really need. Or in a bar with a martini that matched my outfit. Or at a game with beer and nachos. Or on an uninterrupted phone call that lasted longer than 10 minutes. Or in a bubble bath by candlelight. Or on a long walk in one of Pittsburgh's neighborhoods. Or on a date in a quaint, BYOB Italian restaurant.

Now? I'd just like to go to the bathroom in peace.

Something about me urinating inspires the people I love most to begin an inquisition. And it's never a series of simple questions. It's always something like, "If we race for the cure, does it mean we'll never get cancer?" Welcome to life with a precocious 5 year old.

It's so hard for us to find time for ourselves, ladies. Some days, we long for those quiet days and secretly wonder what it would be like to have them back for just a few hours. But I promise you we traded up. Once you go baby, you never go back.

We could all use a vacation. We could all use a spa. We could all use a maid. We could all use a FREE maid. We could all use a few more dollars. We all want a few less pounds. We all wish for a few more hours at the end of the day.

It might be a while before we get any of that, but until then I suggest you try my "15 minutes of tame." When things get really hectic, I enforce the Woodall family's 15 minutes of tame. Everyone brings it down a notch. We get quiet. We get books. We get naps. We get food. We get a DVRd show. We get whatever we need. And the best part is--sometimes it lasts longer than 15 minutes.

There are also Selfish Sundays. Other than the built-in family things like church and visiting grandmas, the Woodalls like to keep Sundays open for themselves. Larry usually plays hockey. The kids usually choose the park. And Mom usually opts for a good book, TV dramas and a glass of red. And it's wonderful. Regardless of how busy the rest of the week is, we know that we will have our Sunday--which occasionally involves a sundae.

We all have different schedules and lives, but we've all gotta find that "me" time so we always have something to give to those we love. It's a challenge, but we deserve those minutes and hours to ourselves. It leads to a happy mom, which leads to a happy family. And what's better than a happy family?

It's the laughter that keeps us moving.

You folks didn't really think I'd have enough time this week to blog every day, did you? But in keeping up with this week's theme, I thought I'd include some things I heard or read today that made me laugh.

In motherhood, I've always thought it's the laughter that keeps me moving and the love that keeps me happy.

"Every crowd has a silver lining." --P.T. Barnum

"When skating on thin ice, our safety is in our speed." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

"This is my High School Musical," Cienna said, as she put on tens of pastel-colored bracelets. "And this is my Zelda Fitzgerald," she said, putting on a headband with a huge flower, pulled to the front.

Larry: "Did you know that Cienna can whip through first grade math?"
Me: "What? I work with her every day. She knows some stuff, but I wouldn't say she's whipping through it."
Larry: "Here. Look what she did in this workbook."
The workbook showed that she answered several pages of math equations correctly.
Me: "Cienna! Wow! How did you know all of those?"
Cienna: "I don't! I found the answers in the back! See!"
Me: "Ah! Yes! Well, Larry, we don't have a child prodigy on our hands, just a great cheat!"
Larry: "Thata girl, Cienna!"

Tyler: "Where Dada go?"
Me: "Dada's at work, Ty."
Tyler: "Dada fart."

Co-worker B-Ev: "...Oh just talking about some girl who..."
Me: "Is she a hoebag?"
B-Ev: "Oh yeah! ...yeah"
Me: "Is she stupid?"
B-Ev: "Oh yeah! She's got checks in both of those columns."

A line in a message from Lindsay: "All dogs might go to heaven, but all sinners do not."

Feel free to share some of the things from your day that made you laugh.

Myths of Motherhood

Tools of the Trade

If you find yourself in Babies R Us as often as I seem to, then you've probably had the urge to overstep some boundaries.

There's always that couple there registering for the first time, for their first baby. And you try to ignore it all like a sane person would, maybe offering that mom-to-mom smile, which is a lot like the wave that bus drivers and Jeep enthusiasts reserve for each other. But you see them clicking the scanner on so many things you know they will never use. The inner logic begins: "Aw, you're both so cute. But you will never need that many diaper disposal systems." And of course you never say that to them because you're normal.

Plus, there's always something better to grab your attention--like the pregnant mom scanning BPA items in the store and lighting up a cigarette outside of the store. "BPA-free is the least of your worries, sweetheart."

By the way, I'm the mom with the 5-year-old shopper who tries to find anything and everything that her younger brothers don't need.

But, really, I wish someone would've told me what I wouldn't really need when I was a young(er) mom. I was so thankful when Dawn told me not to buy a certain bathtub when I was pregnant with Ty. Cienna's old tub was passed on, and I needed a new one. If Larry and I had bought the one we originally wanted, we would've been disappointed, based on what I've heard from some other friends who bought that model. We were very happy with our second choice.

Other times I walk around and see something new, and think, "I totally could've invented that."

So I'm curious, what products have you found most useful, which have been useless, and what is something you would like to see on the market?

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MILFs

While I have learned to restrain my inner bitch, sometimes I just need to educate the ignorant. I consider it a public service.

For example, there's a myth that exists, and sometimes it's silent, that marriage and children ruin intimacy, keep you from being sexy, make your life miserable and keep you old.

None of that is true. Poor perceptions and bad excuses are responsible for those things.

Let's just acknowledge the technological reasons of why that isn't true very quickly and then put it aside. There are various doctors you can go to who will ask you, if you're there for a certain kind of appointment, "Would you like to be 18 again or 14 again? And I should add that you can get to 19 all on your own, without intervention."

First of all, I will never desire to be 14 again for any reason. 19? Pretty damn good year.

Look, we do not birth buses. And some of us have had c-sections. And what a baby looks like at 3 months is not at all like what we bring into the world.

Really. I'll say it. The Vag rebounds victoriously.

And I have it on good medical authority that multiple partners over a period of time actually does the same for elasticity than if you've ever given birth or not.

We do not become powerless, helpless, sexless creatures when we become mothers. We simply become the foundation of our families.

And our generation has changed the definition of motherhood. It's not housecoats and separate beds and going to the supermarket when our husbands get home from work.

We work if we want to. We take care of ourselves and stay youthful. We have sex--all kids sleep eventually. Get a sitter, go out on dates, keep the intimacy alive. If you can't find a sitter, call me. I will watch your kids for you because I believe moms need to look out for each other and not get caught up in petty judgements or competition.

Remember who you were before your kids because you can still be those things AND be a good mother. In fact, you'll probably be a better one. And, yes, family has to come first. But that doesn't mean you get rid of your friends.

Some friendships will change, and some may drift apart if you no longer have anything in common. But some friendships will strengthen when you become a parent. And when you and someone you grew up with are both parents, it's truly magical. It's a beautiful relationship to share all that history and be able to take the parenting journey together. And remind each other that in additon to being beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, youthful, talented women, you also get to be moms. Which is really the greatest gift in the world.

It's our week!

Several of my friends have birthweeks instead of birthdays, meaning that they celebrate the entire week of their birthday.

While I do adore these people, my self-importance has never reached a level that inspired me to make an entire week about my birthday. Weekend, maybe. But not the whole week.

In their defense, it's not so much a matter of ego as it is a will to party. They just like to have a good time, and when is a better time than your own personal anniversary? After all, it's a celebration of an important relationship--the one they share with themselves.

An important relationship to me is my one as a mom. Is there a greater bond than that of mother and child? And is there a more precious gift than the gift of life?

Mother's Day is a week away, Friends, and I've decided to celebrate my place in our family throughout the next seven days. I'm hoping you will join me when I ask for stories, opinions and advice. And even if you're not a mother, by choice or chance, that doesn't mean you can't celebrate. Aunts, Godmothers, Sisters, Teachers, Friends--all have gifts of mothering that deserve to be recognized and appreciated.

Even though two of my best friends don't have children of their own, I've been luckily to have their love and support throughout my own parenting journey--and what a journey it's been! MB and BG are aunts and Godmothers and sisters, and they know what it means to truly love a child.

MB's love for me and my children has always been unconditional. How could it not be. She's there to hear the funny stories. She's there when I feel overwhelmed. She's there to cheer on every success--even if that success is that we all made it out of the house, showered and clothed, in less than 3 hours. She's there to hear every failure--even when that failure is potty training gone horribly wrong. She has been building the most amazing library for my children, buying them collector's editions and classics since the day they were born. And even when I'm busy with my three children, and she's busy with her advanced education, job as an editor and wonderful husband, we still find time to talk. Even if it is at odd hours and about odd subjects. I love her so much, and she is one of the friends who makes me a better mom.

Somewhere Dr. David M. Jones is laughing as I write that BG has made me a better mom. But it's so true. This incredibly unique woman, who attracts a cast of characters worthy of their own Discovery Health reality series, is one of my personal heroes. Whether you need alcohol or advice, she comes through every time it matters. On days when I've been whined to and shat upon, I turn to BG. I know that regardless of what I'm about to tell her, she will respond with something so much worse. And it will be so rich, so foul and so inappropriate that all I can do is laugh. I'm so lucky to have her in my corner, and she's definitely in my corner. At the slightest sound of sadness in my words, she's ready to throw down with somebody. The Irish gypsy in her is immediately inspired, and I immediately begin to think that I should design an exit strategy for the impending wrath that she's about to release. You do not mess with a BG. And you do not mess with a BG's kinfolk. As a mom, you NEED a crazy, Irish gypsy in your corner. But with BG, it's always BOGO. And with her you also get one of the most hilarious and intuitive souls to ever walk the earth. Her intuition has served her well as an amazing writer and has helped her develop the best comedic timing. And let's face it, mom's need to laugh daily. I love her, and I'm so lucky to have her in my life the last 13 years. Hey and hey and hey!

Even though MB and BG aren't moms themselves, they've sure made a positive difference in the life of a child.

*And to those of you reading this on Facebook, I'd love to hear your similar story if you've got one!