Candy go bragh!

There are many things we need to discuss, Friends.

But first, let us address the upcoming weekend's festivities. I'd agree with you that my performance during the last few years on St. Patrick's Day has been poor. Maybe it's because each year I seem to have another child or am pregnant. Maybe it's because I'd rather make more green things with the kids than drink green beer among Yinzers (I love you all!) looking for free beads. Maybe it's because I have jack and shit to do.

This year won't be much different, I'm afraid. I'll be spending the better part of the day at a "Coppelia" run through, sewing ballet costumes and chatting it up with the moms. Don't fret, though. I'll keep it festive with my shamrock antennae and a green, Pitt shirt.

I promise you that whatever I may be lacking in recent St. Patty's Days, I grossly overindulged in during college and beyond. I'm confident I drank enough Irish car bombs to level a continent.

Love it or beat it

Dear Rhianna:

I'm so disappointed that you and Chris Brown are allegedly back together. Not only did I have to scrap new lyrics to "Forever" (I've been waiting my whole life/for this one knife/gonna be me, you and Ike Turner...), but I was hoping for much more celebrity drama. I mean, it sets such a great example for the children who adore you to handle alleged domestic violence by allegedly running away to Hawaii. I know, I know. Life is tragically difficult when you are forced to heal along the Pacific Ocean.

Here's how you can redeem yourself, though: Beat him back. It's classy.

Octo-over it!

Does the Octomom have more important things to do than make rounds in the news? And how was she able to dial 911? The only phones that ever seem to work in our house are Cienna's Disney Princess phones which dial Belle, Cinderella and Jasmine. Very useful when you're in a jam!

I still maintain that most of the people judging her have nothing better to do, but enough is enough. Take care of your kids, and get off the media circuit!

And she's not Angelina Jolie because Angelina Jolie can afford her children.

Also, while we're on the subject, I will not be having as many children as Angelina Jolie or Octomaniac. The hormone hotel is officially closed.

Jon minus nine

Despite my numerous opinions about celebrity gossip today, I really don't follow it that much. In fact, the only way I ever really notice any of it is while standing in a checkout line or scanning the Yahoo! home page.

So imagine my horror when I read that Jon Gosselin, of Jon & Kate Plus 8 fame, was allegedly spotted in a bar, kissing women's volleyball players from Juniata. Juniata? Really? Now I have two questions about this: 1. If this was made up, would it really involve Juniata? 2. If it's true, can there please be an episode where Kate walks into the bar, puts the entire volleyball team on a schedule and throws down?

And then the message boards about this! Why are there message boards about this? And why do so many of the posts forgive his alleged transgressions because Kate is, as they claim, "too stressed and overbearing." She has EIGHT children!!! Of course she's stressed! Does that give the father a right to cheat on her? NO. And if he was doing his best as a father and husband, he wouldn't have time to cheat.

I actually have my doubts about the whole thing. I saw the photo that is supposed to be proof, and it looks severely edited.

More than you know, I hope this isn't true.

Sew into it!

I'm so into sewing these days. Well, I should clarify: I'm so into sewing ballet costumes.

Trust me, this is never something I thought I could do. I'm pretty sure we were asked to make a square pillow in home economics once, and I believed my finished product would best be described as a "neck roll."

I still have no desire to do pillows. Or curtains. Or "slacks."

But I love doing the ballet costumes. It benefits my daughter. It benefits her friends. It benefits the dance company that she loves. And I also enjoy the comraderie of a sewing circle and the parenting stories that are shared.

BG's Guide to Pressing

So BG and I are finally writing our masterpiece. Excuse me, our first masterpiece. And I know this is happening because I'm doing it. When it needs editing and perfect wit, I'll send it her way.

It's time that we share our genius with the world. Plus there's no time like a recession to press.

The first line? "It all started with an Italian hoagie."

You can only imagine what follows.

I'm also collecting ideas for our second masterpiece, "BG's Into It or Over It." This could be blockbuster, Friends.

As That BG put it, "Fortunes have been made on lesser things."

Get sprung

It needs to be spring. In the words of the Terminator, "Do it now!"

Seriously, though. I'm not one of the Yinzers who complains about the weather en mass. For example, the first time it reaches 80 degrees, they start begging for fall. OK, maybe I am that Yinzer, but only because fall is closer to the holidays.

I want the sun. And windows rolled down. And baseball I don't care about. And barbecues. And weekenders. And playgrounds. And inspiring breezes. And Memorial Day done properly. And Larry's birthday. And Easter dresses. And long walks. And popscicles. And watermelon. And no snow in April. And gardening. And turning the back yard into an outdoor family room. And swingsets. And all that love that seems to be everywhere when you give people a little sunshine and a long weekend.

Kryptonice

Most of you know my reputation as a superior athlete. I can only assume that it started with a double-shot of vodka and a stats book, much like Superman and Kryptonite.

Well, my superior athleticism is being called on once again. The Panthers need me. The Pens need me. Mayhem needs me.

I want to point out that I told Larry, before the NFL season started, that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. And before the college basketball season started, I told him that it was Pitt's year. Sadly, before the NHL season started, I told him Pens would go one round and then be out of the playoffs. I'd love to be wrong about the latter.

Keep your eye on Pitt, though. Such a great team. So easy to watch. So unlike past years when Pitt had great teams, but they were difficult to watch. Enjoy the conference tournaments. Enjoy March Madness, Friends.

Enjoy March.

Love yinz,
Candy