Quick to judge

If I could offer any advice to the experts, pundits and folks with nothing better to do than gossip, it would be this: Be careful whom you judge and how you judge them.

I'm not entirely sure why John McCain picked Sarah Palin as his running mate, but I am intrigued that he chose her among a more-qualified pool of Republican candidates. That's not to say that Palin isn't qualified at all, but I wouldn't be comfortable having her as president of the United States. She just doesn't share my political values.

I don't care that she has five children and a demanding career. To me, that doesn't make her a less qualified politician. Many successful politicians have balanced personal lives with political lives. And the only time anyone raises a question of priorities is when it's a mother making the tough choices. Let me tell you something, folks--mothers have been making tough choices for a long time.

Palin's daughter has started making those tough choices. And my heart truly goes out to her. I know how challenging it was to be pregnant at 22 and a single mom at 23. From my best understanding--through research and friendships--it's all the more difficult as a teenager.

And because it is so hard, it really breaks my heart to see some of the coverage of a personal family issue. Morning talk shows have been hosting teen forums, discussing sex and unplanned pregnancies. As though it's something new. As though their network news will have a positive impact.

Evening talk shows have been featuring hurtful jokes, such as, "It's a good thing Governor Palin is a member of the NRA because it's going to be a shotgun wedding."

Hilarious.

As someone familiar with shotgun weddings, let me tell you that they happen all the time--even when there's not a baby involved. Is constantly nagging a guy to marry you because all of your friends are getting married any less pressure? Is threatening a breakup if there's not a ring by a certain date really fair? It's certainly not romantic.

It's usually a little more romantic when a baby is involved because sometimes there's more of a choice. In fact, I know of at least one man who had many options presented to him by a pregnant girl who didn't believe marriage yielded good parenting. She gave him choices. The man chose to be married. He wanted to be married.

Palin's daughter, Bristol, says that she's going to be married to the baby's father--a young man who previously listed he did not want kids on his MySpace page. According to a marriage professor at Duquesne University, 95 percent of marriages that begin before the couple is 21 years old do not last. Well, half of all marriages after 21 don't last either. And can we really find it so hard to believe that an opinion someone writes on a MySpace page might change?

I'm not stunned by any of the week's past news--something I attribute to growing up in journalism and also just growing as a person. I'm not surprised that a 17-year-old girl had unprotected sex and got pregnant. I'm not surprised that the daughter of a conservative, pro-life governor is having a baby.

What does surprise me is that so many people can pass judgement on the situation. What does surprise me is that we still debate sex education vs. abstinence, yet fail to set up resources and effective programs to help young mothers.

Pro-life politicians damn those who don't keep their babies, yet vote against bills proposed by pro-choice advocates to help those mothers succeed without regretting their decisions. It would be too much work to actually care. Sitting back, reading tabloids, gossiping about it--that's much more convenient. Coming up with an opinion is easy. Coming up with a solution takes some effort.

I'm an opinionated person, but I'm not nearly as judgemental as I used to be. And I work for what I believe in and for what I believe will help others.

So when someone emailed me, "Does it bother you that Governor Palin's 17-year-old daughter is pregnant?" I didn't hesitate to answer.

"Yes it does. But not because a republican vice presidental candidate's daughter is about to have a baby. I care because another teenager is becoming a young mother. I care because I was a week shy of 23 when Cienna was born. And I care because I have children. And they will undoubtedly face decisions as they grow up--some of which may be challenging."

I've faced a great deal of judgement with each pregnancy, and with each pregnancy, others' opinions have mattered less and less. If the commentary doesn't come from my family, friends or physicians, it doesn't affect me. And I can only hope Bristol Palin feels the same.

But these wishes extend beyond Bristol Palin. They also affect other young women in our communities, facing tough decisions. The decisions are just as important--sometimes moreso--even though they're not psuedo-celebrities.

A young, unmarried mom I talked to this week said, "It just hurts so bad. I hear what they say about her, and I know what they say about me. But they don't even know me. They don't know what's in my heart."

I've heard this kind of thing often during my research and outreach. And I'm quick to remind women that unplanned doesn't mean unwanted. Women shouldn't be damned or shunned for loving their child enough to give them life. They shouldn't feel badly for believing that love will guide them. Nor should they be denied the right to make a different decision.

There has only ever been one decision for me. I believe children are a blessing and gift from God.

But not every woman has chosen what I have, and I respect that.

What I cannot respect are groups of women who have never been parents, passing judgement on those of us who are mothers. Or people who have never done an unselfish thing in their lives looking down on a woman who chooses to do what's best for her baby.

People aren't perfect; they're just people. And people have different experiences. We can choose to be open to those experiences. We can choose to be supportive. We can choose to be friends. Or we can choose the alternatives to those.

In nearly every situation, I've chosen to follow my heart. And, sometimes, it's led me to some interesting places. But mostly it's led to me to beautiful places.

Despite that, I've made poor choices in my lifetime. I've hurt people when I didn't mean to. I've taken when I couldn't give back. I've judged others prematurely. And it inspired some regret.

But I have never wished I never had a child, or waited until a different time. I have never wished I had time back that I spent helping another woman.

My life is blessed, and I haven't taken a day of it for granted. Cienna, Ty and our baby are gifts. There are challenging days, but there are incredibly beautiful years. I'm so thankful for every moment I spend with them. I'm so happy that Larry is taking this journey with me. I wouldn't trade anything. And I'm not intimidated by a full house.

It doesn't seem like the Palins are intimidated by a full house either.

Maybe they know that a full house grows full hearts.